Detective Gardner is on the Case!

One of the things I do as a writer is make up stories.  And not just stories that I type up and sometimes sell.  Nope.  If I see an interesting stranger or situation, I will make up a story on the spot to explain said person or event.  I’ve done this sort of thing as long as I can remember.  If I see a mystery, I make up a solution.

In my last exciting blog post, I mentioned that, over the past weekend, my new book TEMPORARY MONSTERS had completely disappeared from my attempts to find it on Amazon,  Two days later, I looked for it again, and found it immediately.  What could have happened?  Knowing the complex nature of Amazon, any number of things, but I think I may have a clue about the real culprit.

Here I was yesterday, following interesting links on my computer instead of doing what I was really planning (writing, of course), and i stumble on a link to Time Magazine, where it is reported that Amazon is looking into a certain sort of book, with titles like LUST OF THE VELOCIRAPTORS.  Yep, Amazon has taken a dim view of original e-books that promote human/dinosaur erotica and the like, and has been removing them from their site.  I am not making this up.

Well, my new book has nothing of the kind.  It takes a couple humorous pokes at male fantasies, but like most of my books, is really Pure As The Driven Snow,  However, the cover (reproduced below) does indeed show what appears to be a large lizard hand emerging through a door.  Could it be that my book was flagged (and maybe even temporarily removed) for that very reason?

I therefore state, for the record, that my book contains ABSOLUTELY NO HUMAN/DINOSAUR EXTRA-MARITAL INTERACTIONS OF ANY KIND!  So hands off, Amazon!  (If, indeed, your hands were even in there in the first place.)

Another case solved by the Master Detective.Image

Above, the incredibly innocent cover.  What was Amazon thinking?  Or was Amazon thinking at all?

Trust me, I’m not worth it.

So, like all insecure authors, I go over and look at my Amazon page now and then.  Friday I looked at my list of books, and couldn’t find my most recent book, TEMPORARY MONSTERS, anywhere.  Well, at least not on the first eight pages I scrolled through.  The very first book listed was my novelization of LOST BOYS, which, thanks in part to some kind words on LOST BOYS fan sites, is much in demand and tends to be very expensive.  Would that I had a crystal ball and knew to order an extra box of these books back in the day!  (I have no extra copies.  Don’t ask.)

Well, the fact that my new book was totally absent was not a pleasant event, let me tell you.  But Amazon has its quirks, so I called up my name again today, and there was TEMPORARY MONSTERS at the very top.  Go figure.

So I scrolled through the first few pages once again, and found the books in completely different order this time around.  I’ve published 19 original novels, and just about as many more media tie-ins of one sort or another.  I’ve also had dozens of short stories appear in various anthologies. Plus much of my stuff has come out in different countries and/or omnibus editions. This makes for many many pages of books.

This time around, though, as I perused my past publications, I ran across a biography of me from Gale Research, costing $9.95.  Holy crud.  Has anybody ever picked up one of these books?  How much can they know about me, that isn’t on the internet, that would justify shelling out ten bucks?  I have to admit, I was almost curious enough to blow the money and buy a copy for myself.  Almost, but not quite.

I actually wrote a biographical essay for Necon (the best convention ever) about 5 or six years ago.  It was maybe 20,000 words.  I might get Necon books (if they’re agreeable) to put out a cheap e-book of the piece.  I would guess it would be more fun than anything Gale Research has to offer.   (But who knows?  Maybe their books are laugh-a-minute thrill rides. I guess I’ll never know.)


Ebenezum travels on

In my last post, I talked about how the Ebenezum series came to be. The first book in the series, A MALADY OF MAGICKS, was actually about half my earlier short stories (slightly rewritten) and half new stuff that I used to tie everything together. But hey! I had signed up to write a trilogy. Fantasy novels in those days almost always came in trilogies. And so A MULTITUDE OF MONSTERS was born.

MULTITUDE sees our heroes proceed farther on their quest, to reach Vushta, the city of a thousand forbidden delights, and find a cure for Ebenezum. And I introduce even more silly characters than we saw in the first book, including something called a Bog Wombler.

One of the true facts of publishing is that, unless you are a Very Famous Author (which I am not), you have absolutely no control over what goes on the cover of your book. That said, I have had great covers on just about all my books (Thank you, Ace art department!) My first nine covers are done by Walter Velez, a very fine artist who specializes in painting funny stuff. He also did a lot of covers for Robert Asprin’s MYTH series, not to mention just about every funny fantasy Ace put out over the next ten years.

Now, I just happen to know Walter’s agent, Jill Bauman, a fine artist herself. So I get a call one day from Jill, telling me Walter is going to put a whole bunch of the monsters on the cover.
So they need to know, what exactly IS a Bog Wombler?

So I describe the creature, and Walter paints a magnificent Wombler. He’s the big guy on the cover, standing in the crowd.

And that is the only input I’ve had on a cover. But hey, I helped Walter Velez bring Bog Womblers into the world of fantasy.

This is where I mention that my first three books are available as e-books from Crossroad Press, which will shortly be putting out many more of my e-books. Available for all sorts of e-readers

One unicorn, one Wuntvor, and one Bog Wombler.

One unicorn, one Wuntvor, and one Bog Wombler.

. Be the first on your block to collect the whole set!